Christina’s Blog


How to Make Trees

  What does it mean to feel your feelings and be with them? Hold them. Hold them as if it is not too much for you. As if there is a tiny lake surrounded by beautiful woods and valleys. I want my feelings, to feel this way. Like a lake surrounded by a forest. I don’t like to feel like the ocean. I don’t like waves. Or emotions that feel infinite. I feel lost then. Like I have forgotten how to swim. It has felt like that the last couple of months. Lately it has been an ocean of a life. I must find my way to the lake. But how do you even build a forest around the ocean? ...


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The Outside Heart

If someone painted me, they would have to paint my heart outside of my chest. It is hanging there, feeling, experiencing. My heart processes everything first. Then it gives it to my head. Most of the time my heart takes things very personally. It goes into a heartbreaking position. I have been trying to get my heart further inside, behind the chest but no luck. It gets hurt by misunderstandings. It hears everything first. And tells me all about it when it can’t take the pain anymore. By the time my head receives the experience, it is almost too late. Tears have taken place. ...


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Loss of Connection Does Not Mean Loss of Love

It is in the gathering of our family and friends that we see ourselves. It is at the dinner table and the get togethers that we realize we are not alike. It is then, when you learn the most about yourself. You learn that you have changed. You observe that you are not as alike as you used to be. This seeing does not have to be painful. Expect to see more of what has changed in you when others are around. The seeing is mostly a good thing. You get to see your own progress. Your own journey beyond theirs. You are leaving some folks behind. Maybe not in physical terms, but in emotional...


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The Glue Under Your Feet

It may seem unending. Your shoulders, shuddering. The day, unyielding. But did you know you can bear the loss? It may be easier for me to talk to the people who are just feeling a little down today. It is easier to lift them up. But I am not talking to them. I am talking to the ones who had something very cataclysmic happen. Something that feels even absurd to consider carrying forward. It is that tragic. Something you can’t ever change. To the person who lost their teenage son. To the person who lost all members of the family, and you are the only one left. To the person who got...


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It Found You Crying in Front of the TV

I don’t know how it comes back, but it does. It comes knocking on your door. Even though you can barely notice it at first. I am talking about the feeling of wanting to live again. I know you never thought it would come back. You didn’t believe it could find you. But it did. It found you crying in front of the TV. And it made the movie you were watching, right for what you needed. It found you taking your dog for a walk, in the evening. And it made the leaves move a little more as you passed along. It secretly followed you around for awhile, trying hard not to make you notice...


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Grief Woke Me Up and Now I Can’t Go Back to Sleep

I was completely blind before loss. Actually no, not blind. Hypnotized. Going about my day, as a wife, mother of toddlers, friendly neighbor, you know the rest. Living but not really living. And even after loss, I tried to go back to the hypnosis. Get the job I should be getting. Have people over for dinner, you know, do the right thing as a neighbor and friend. Believing that what I had before loss was more valuable than what I got after. This reality blows. As you know when you see someone you love die, not much can put you back to hypnosis. I tried to go back. Be a ‘normal’...


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Don’t Ask Me How Long Grief Lasts

“How long does grief last?” Someone asked me the other day. “You still write about it Christina, 11 years later. Are you still grieving?” I don’t know, but something happens to me when I am asked these questions. I want to start laughing out loud. You know that ironic laughter, that insinuates that this is a ridiculous question. But then again it’s not their fault, is it now? Everyone wonders about how long someone should grieve or not grieve. As you know I have my own ideas about this. But I did a simple search online with the words “How long does grief last?” and oh my,...


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Have You Been Afraid of Your Next Self?

It feels quiet. Listening to Billie Holiday, I’ll be seeing you. A few days away from finishing my next book, Where did you go? The book I have been afraid to write but found the courage to do so. I found this place, outside of this world we live in, and took everyone there. Risking it all. Shedding who I had been, so I could become. Once again. Become another me. So I could feel this. What I feel right now. Expressed. Fully expressed. In the way I had never let myself be before. Something happens to you when you give yourself permission to express the next you. The next self...


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Your Small Bathroom Window

I grew these last few weeks. And it hurt. It felt as if my skin stretched beyond what it could. Growth is like another person is trying to come through you and it is not as natural as birth. It feels wrong. It feels as if you are sick. My hair’s falling out. My tooth broke last week. I hit my feet on corners. I am coughing. For a whole month now. My whole body is screaming, no more growth. No more, walking on the edge. No more new things. No more reentering. Go back to your waiting room. Go back to the smallness of your room. Oh, how I love my bed. How I love not growing. ...


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60 Seconds

I was determined to get there. I wanted to conquer my brain and find a way to not listen to the lies it was internally screaming at me as I was dripping sweat on the gym floor. My body was experiencing an earthquake. It was shaken like it was about to break into a million pieces. “You need to stop.” my brain told me, then it proceeded to say “You can have a stroke from pushing yourself so much.” I was attempting a sixty-second plank. Yup. That was all, and my brain was telling me I was going to die there and then. The floor was hard, there was no forgiveness from it. Nothing...


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