The Stand In

April 26, 2019 | IN CHRISTINA'S BLOG/POSTS | BY christina

It feels as if all of a sudden, nothing is significant.

Aside from the people in my life.

When I first started to feel this feeling a few weeks ago, it worried me.

This new feeling was destroying my world.

It was as if I was no longer me.

I stopped caring.

Whether I would make a living.

Have a car I like.

Make others proud.

Impress.

Please.

Be liked. Approved. Chosen.

It all vanished. Gone.

From one day, to the next.

It was like someone went inside my heart and took out all the wanting.

All the wishing.

My mind was filled with this knowing of myself without the wishes.

Without the ambition.

Without wanting anything.

It was like my consciousness separated from my identity and I was able to see life without it.

I realized that the struggle to make my wishes come true created such an over busy life that I might as well have been dead.

I was alive inside an unlived life.

Just simply working for my future dreams.

And then it hit me.

I found its starting spot.

This working around the clock experience.

It was when I got my first full time job after he died.

I remember hating the job but loving how my mind was occupied all day and I didn’t cry as much as I would normally do.

It happened even from the first day.

I said to myself then, wow grief didn’t knock me out today.

And so it began, work helped ease the pain.

My brain got used to it.

I started to make work a default setting.

Meaning, it was automatic to choose work vs choosing life.

And even when I was no longer feeling desperately sad my brain was just used to working hard, so it went with it.

Now I know what happened to me.

I never made it after loss.

A shadow self was here.

A stand in.

I really believed that some parts of me survived.

But now I know that was never true.

Because I can’t spot Christina anywhere in the last 12 years.

I saw glimpses of her here and there, attempting reentries.

Making it in for a while.

But never all the way.

Nobody told me that life after any kind of loss is a complex and profoundly existential experience. (Click to tweet!)

And here I am now.

My first full life reentry.

A newborn.

Learning to walk again.

So…here’s to finding your way to a complete life reentry after loss.

It may take time. A year. Ten years. Maybe more.

Just don’t let the stand in live out the rest of your life.

You promise me?

With excitement for what’s to come,

Christina

P.S. JOIN ME FOR THE TEMPLE JOURNEY: A LIFE AFTER DEATH. REGISTER HERE: https://www.1440.org/programs/faculty-led-programs/personal-growth/self-discovery/temple-journey

PPS. The new release of Second Firsts is approaching fast. Pre-order here: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Step-Step-Guide/dp/1401957064/

PPPS. Where Did You Go? has been reuniting people with their loved ones all over the world. My soul is so grateful. So beyond grateful.

Some days it’s like your life is inside a boxing ring.

You are being thrown around.

You can’t get out, or look like you are in pain.

Nobody knows what this really feels like.

They think you can handle it.

But deep down you are hurting.

Fantasizing that you are crawling out of the ring.

Hiding somewhere so life can’t find you, and throw you around.

How long can you stay?

Taking the punches.

Can they see you breaking?

Can you keep going long enough, until the match is over?

Until they are done with you.

You don’t even want to win anymore.

You just want to make it through.

Make it until you are allowed to let go.

Find solace in something.

Offered the band aid.

The fixing of the bruises.

The time to recover.

But where do you go?

How long do you have to search the world?

To find a resting place.

In a tiny corner.

Hidden enough to hold you for a while. (Click to tweet!)

So you can find your way back to believing in a life without a boxing ring.

Where you don’t need to crawl and find the band aid.

Where you have days just breathing the air.

Looking at the sun.

Surrounded by hope for a better life.

With many matches in the ring,

Christina

“Do whatever you have to, to get through the pain after I am gone.” my husband said to me a few months before he died.

“Whatever it takes.” he said.

“It doesn’t matter what it is you have to do, if it makes you feel better then do it.”

I didn’t always follow his advice but it did help me feel less guilt when my choices after loss were not perfect.

When we lose someone we love, it hurts like hell.

And I don’t know how he knew to tell me this then.

But the pain is so unbearable that we have to do whatever it takes to get through it.

You will make decisions you will regret.

And you will say and do things that you wish you hadn’t.

So what?

When your person vanishes from your existence and your heart is crushed, you have to do whatever you need, to keep on standing. (Click Here to Tweet!)

Don’t be ashamed.

You are still good.

You are just hurting badly.

So I am going to give you a few examples of my “whatever it took.”

And then I want to hear yours.

We will use WIT for short.

Ok here we go.

Some of my WITs:

-I went out on a few dates with someone I didn’t see a future with after he died, but he kept me company on the phone and asked me how my day was.

-I had a few too many glasses of wine the year following his loss.

-I spent more money that I should have on things I didn’t need.

-I didn’t eat for a year or two. Then I ate everything.

The list is long. But you get the picture.

Now it’s your turn.

What are yours?

Write them down, release them from shame and know that you had to do what you had to do to get through.

I will be doing a big post on this on our Facebook page here so everyone can share their WITs. You are not alone in this.

No shame in doing what you have to, to get through your loss.

With life and so many WITs,

Christina

P.S. Do you have a copy of Second Firsts? If not here is where you can grab yours: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Live-Laugh-Again/dp/1401940838/

 

I think magic is real.

More real than your table.

The chair. Your coffee too.

Miracles are real too.

Science proves it.

Religion talks about it.

Sometimes loss takes away our belief in miracles.

It tells us that the only real things are the things we can see.

Touch. Hear.

Everything else must not exist.

Since it cannot be seen.

I still think magic is real even though it doesn’t look like a table or chair.

Or house. Or trees.

I also think we don’t die.

That life is a miracle and that is born from consciousness. Universe. God.

But how would that help you when you are all alone at night?

When you lost someone you loved from this life?

How would that help you?

You may ask, if miracles are real how come they don’t take my pain away?

And that is a fair question.

I have asked it myself.

If miracles were real maybe they could bring our people back.

Cure the sick.

Stop accidents from happening.

Bring peace and end wars.

But here is what I learned in the process of writing my next book.

Miracles are as real as you are.

And we will believe in them more and more.

We will start to believe in cures. Spontaneous remissions.

Self healing. Synchronicity. Eternity even.

And when we do believe, that what is seen is not all there is we would bring forth a different physical reality.

One that allows for a life that is bigger than tables, chairs and houses.

Bigger than loving each other only when we are inside our physical body.

Today I am asking you to believe in miracles as much as you believe in your dining room table being real.

I know that’s a lot to ask.

I know that the dining room table looks more real than the energy that is around it.

Than healing powers.

Than souls with no physical bodies.

Than other dimensions. Than the universe.

In my humble opinion, when we go through something tragic we can never look at life the way we used to. Like, never. Ever.

So let’s try something together, right here.

Just for a moment stop reading this letter and look around you.

As you do that, look at the space between the wall across from you and you.

Did you know that the empty space between you and the wall is not empty?

That the invisible part of our reality is as real as you and I?

Don’t let anyone tell you that life is all that you see.

Life is so much more than that.

All the miracles live in the unseen and in the seeing of it.

And one more thing.

Just because we can’t see the people we lost, it doesn’t mean that they are not there. (Click to Tweet!)

With seeing everything,

Christina

P.S. Early registration for the Life Reentry® class ends on the 15th register here.

PPS. We are also registering for the practitioner training apply here.

The post Miracles are real appeared first on Second Firsts.

Source: SF

 

‘The Life we live, is the lesson we teach
my friend Jim Kwik mentioned in one of his writings.

I read it just before I was going to sit down and write to you.

And it hit me.

The life I live. Is the lesson I teach.

Thank you Jim, for putting it so simply.

As it allowed me to come clean with myself.

And you might be wondering, what does this have to do with loss? Everything.

Really, everything.

I am doing another reentry for myself. This one will be the hardest.

Living life true to my feelings at all cost is not easy. It is one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. But I owe it to all the people who have died. To the people who wished they were still here. (Click to Tweet!)

I owe it to Bjarne. My first husband.

To my firstborn who never made it.

To my grandparents.

To personal friends who died young.

And I know, you owe it to your people too. The people you lost.

This next reentry to life will be brutally honest.

The first thing I do is ask myself this one question.

What lie do I tell myself every day?

I lie about how happy I am.

I lie about that a lot.

I am calling myself out this year.

Stopping the lies about the everyday things.

The lies about what I love to do.

Who I really am.

The lies about the foods I eat.

The things I say.

The way I think.

The people I like. And those I don’t.

How I want to be loved. Seen.

And the biggest lie of all is that there will always be a tomorrow.

As you and I know, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Now is your turn.

What is your truth and what lie have you been telling yourself instead?

With a lot of truth,

Christina

P.S. Next Life Reentry® class starts in the end of the month. Register early here.

One thing is for sure. It will be a six week journey towards the most true life reentry ever. For myself. And for the hundreds of people who are joining. No more lies after loss.

See you in class.

The post No More Lies After Loss appeared first on Second Firsts.

Source: SF


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