I search and search and search.
Behind every word I say.
After every new decision.
I seek to find myself, the self that lives underneath the rubble.
Under the invisible losses.
And hiding, still.
Sometimes I wonder if I lost her completely.
But as soon as I do, I see her. I hear her.
I feel her presence.
She is still there. Standing tall.
Waiting for her emergence.
You see there is a part of me that never ever reentered.
Life after loss is a little tricky.
Sometimes it appears that we are truly living again.
We are there, at the beach.
Laughing with our friends.
We try new relationships. New jobs.
New houses. New hair. Adventures. Hikes.
We do it all.
But we are never quite there, the way it used to be.
Fully embraced by the present moment.
Standing at the door of each of our experiences.
Just like we would be if we walked inside a house and just stood at the doorway.
This has been my biggest invisible loss.
And it took me many years to figure it out.
The more I reenter, the more clearly I can understand myself and what really happened to me since he died.
A lot happened.
And one thing is for sure, even though I have rebuilt my life from the ground up, there is one thing left to do.
To walk all the way inside my life.
To stop standing at the door.
At first I thought that I was just witnessing everyone because of my life’s perspective.
But as the years went by I looked closer and I saw myself standing at the door and everyone else hanging in the living room or the kitchen.
No wonder it has felt so lonely.
I never let myself all the way in.
I learned that true mastery of life after loss can only be attained by many Life Reentry journeys. (Click to Tweet!)
Each new Life Reentry adds to the one before.
My very first Life Reentry was to laugh out loud for the first time.
The next was to move my bed around.
Then to paint my walls.
Find food tasty again.
Go on an adventure trip with my girls.
Get a new job.
The list goes on.
If I was to count my reentries, there must be thousands.
But as the years go by it gets harder and harder to find my way to the one I need the most.
It took me a while to figure out that there was a part of me that was always left behind standing at the door.
But now that I know, I will make sure no parts of me ever stand at the door again.
During my next Life Reentry class.
I will not only teach it, but will participate fully.
Reentering with everyone else.
And for those already in my class, nudge me, walk with me too.
My question today for you is, which part of you is still standing at the door?
Are you just witnessing everything instead of being inside your life.
And if the answer is yes, it is ok.
Now we both know.
And we will find our way in.
With love and so much life to live,
P.S. 4 Days left until our next Life Reentry Journey. Class begins on Tuesday. Doors close on Monday night. REGISTER HERE: https://lifereentry.com/courses/life-reentry-winter-2018/