I have spent so many years thinking about loss and trying to get back to life that I never really thought about my own mortality.
I know it’s strange.
Almost comical.
One would think that I would be thinking about it all the time.
After all, I write about life and death.
Of course my thoughts should go towards mortality and my very own passing.
But did you notice something?
I write about life after loss, and life after death. I skip it. Every time.
But a few weeks ago I started to feel like I haven’t lived enough.
I missed things.
It’s actually hard to put it into words.
You see, I am used to change happening always after a sudden life event.
Never without a cause.
But there was no sudden event that was taking place when I started to think about my mortality.
It was as if something came and hit me over the head.
And right there everything came to a big realization.
I got to start living my life as if I am the one who is dying.
Because if I had been doing that, my life would look so different.
GASP.
What would I keep?
I would keep the writing.
You are my longest love affair.
What would I change?
I would add space everywhere.
The only time I would run, it would be for fitness. (Smiley face)
All other times, I would slow things down.
I would be a traveler.
I thought about all the places I haven’t seen.
Oh my world, they are so many.
Then I thought about all the people I haven’t met.
The paintings I have not painted.
The stories I have not written.
And I wanted to start all at once.
And I did.
One thing is for sure.
My life will end one day and I would regret not saving some of it for me.
I used to say, I missed my 30s, grieving.
And I nearly missed my 40s rebuilding.
In a few weeks I am turning 47, and I want to spend the end of this decade and the beginning of the next one just living.
Preferably in the moment.
So next time you see me teaching somewhere you will notice the sparkle.
Not that it was not there before.
But this type of sparkle is like the sun hiding behind my eyes.
It’s what happens when somehow we find a way to be here, now.
The whole universe lives inside the present moment and we miss it by trying to build the next one.
With life,
Christina
P.S. JOIN ME FOR THE TEMPLE JOURNEY: A LIFE AFTER DEATH. REGISTER HERE: https://www.1440.org/programs/faculty-led-programs/personal-growth/self-discovery/temple-journey
PPS. If you are reading WHERE DID YOU GO? Make sure you come find our private facebook group. The link is here and also in the resources section of the book. We are doing a live journey on Sunday.
