Once Upon A Time, A Day Came That Took Everything From You

August 30, 2019

Once upon a time, a day came that took everything from you.  And you crumbled at the nothingness.  You stepped inside of it looking to find something to hold on to.  But there was nothing.  Nothing to even put your knees on, so you could kneel and pray.  You searched where you thought the floor should be, but even that was taken from you.  You did the only thing you knew how to do, you closed your eyes and prayed inside the nothingness.  And with your eyes closed you leaned against the empty space, and kneeled without a floor. And you were consoled by an invisible presence.  Comforted by a voice without words.  Waltzing inside your tears.  Casting a spell of hope.  Healing within the walls of nothing.  You tried to assemble yourself. Learning to live there.  Training your body to find something in the emptiness of it all.  The hardest class you ever had to take.  The word grief was useless.  It didn’t even come close to the floorless life.  The prickling presence of the darkness.  It had nothing to tell you when you couldn’t even get up from your prayer.  You were being hunted by a feeling that had no name.  You were being snatched by the hole of loss where there were no saviors.  Nobody could come and find you inside your heart.  Where you were being destroyed by the knowing of what had been taken from you.  And the worst of it was, that nobody could see your pain.  Nobody could feel it.  Glimpse at your nothingness. At your destroyer.  That’s the thing with pain, it’s invisible.  It’s not their fault.  They call it grief because they can’t see what the thing that breaks your heart is. (Click to tweet!) But tell them.  Tell them.  There will come a time when you will survive the chaos that can never be seen unless it belongs to others too.  Unless you too are inside the nothingness, you can never know it.  And then, because you learned to spot it in others you get to waltz inside their floorless life. Speak to them when they are kneeling on nothing.  Didn’t you know?  The comforting voice by the invisible presence was YOURS.  It has always been yours.  With nothingness that can see inside yours, Christina P.S. JOIN ME FOR THE TEMPLE JOURNEY: A LIFE AFTER DEATH. REGISTER HERE: https://www.1440.org/programs/faculty-led-programs/personal-growth/self-discovery/temple-journey

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This Is Not About A Friday Night Drink With A Complete Stranger

August 23, 2019

I haven’t written much about dating after loss.  Not because I don’t have a lot to say, but because my conversation with you has always been deeper.  More about the complexity of our thoughts and our new identities.  But maybe, we can have a deep conversation about dating also.  And maybe, it’s necessary that dating after loss be a deeper experience than it is. No wonder dating apps don’t align very well with broken hearts.  It becomes a barrier rather than a tool.  An additional obstacle to overcome.  I also think the word dating doesn’t really connect with someone who is grieving.    I mean you might as well be asked to walk out naked.  In the cold.  With everyone watching you.  Not easy to do.  Not easy to experience for the duration.  And not easy to process after you come back home. The next day is even worse. Shame. Guilt. Remorse. Confusion. Additional grief.  So I am going to put all of this aside for this letter. For this conversation.  Just pushed aside.  Clothes back on.  Shame out the window.  Dating not relevant here.  So let’s start from the beginning.  You want to be seen again.  Have someone to call in the evenings when you come home from work.  Someone to watch a movie with.  A person who cares about your day.  To travel with.  In other words, at first you are looking for a friend.  A good person you can slowly trust with your everyday life, who you also find attractive physically.  Ok I had to put that in. ???? I know I am asking for a lot.  But am I really?  It is much easier to look for a friend than a boyfriend, soul mate, husband, wife, second chapter. Lover.  Look for a friend. No other expectations.  No labels.  No dressing up to go out.  Just your jeans. Your sweater.  Your favorite coffee place. A hike.  A walk around the block. A drink.  A movie. A call.  This has nothing to do with dating and everything to do with not feeling alone.  Loneliness is the biggest shadow of loss.  Bigger than grief. And bigger than fear.  It is also the one that stays the longest.  This is why going out on a superficial date, with a complete stranger hurts you so much. (Click to tweet!) It doesn’t provide anywhere near what you need when you are grieving the love of your life.  It makes things worse.  It makes you more lonely.  Start with a conversation on email, in a support group. Even on a dating app.  Stay with the conversation for a while. If that feels good.  Go for a cup of coffee.  I want to leave you with this.  You are going to make the wrong judgment calls at first.  Prepare yourself for those. It’s ok.  Forgive yourself fast.  Next time you will know better.  I made mistakes in the beginning too.  But who I was after the loss of my husband was so empty, so lost and so derailed that I had no sight of my behavior.  Once I got some of my sight back, I moved so fast from those mistakes you would think I was a rocket going into space.  Trust that your sight will come back.  Trust that you will be able to right your wrongs.  You my friend are alone, empty, lost and you are seeking to find a person that you can rest with, for a while.  Take it easy on yourself.  This is about your deeper need for companionship.  Not about a Friday night drink with a stranger. With many lessons learned from many mistakes made, Christina P.S. JOIN ME FOR THE TEMPLE JOURNEY: A LIFE AFTER DEATH. REGISTER HERE: https://www.1440.org/programs/faculty-led-programs/personal-growth/self-discovery/temple-journey PPS. I hope you are listening in: www.dearlifepodcast.com

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All The Things That Were Meant To Be

August 16, 2019

I have a very specific vision of myself. Quietly residing inside my mind.  Comparing itself with the current reality I live in, every day.  It narrates all day long. And it keeps pointing me in her direction.  It used to sound like a broken record.  I would ignore it, until recently.  I realized it was my destiny.  You know what I mean.  The voice inside of you that tells you, it’s meant to be different may be trying to get your attention. It is possible that the version of you it is offering, is meant to be.  I am talking about everything that you don’t have in your life, but you think you should.  All the places you are supposed to visit, but you haven’t just yet.  The way your hair should fall on your face.  And the work you know you can create.  The things you know about yourself and others fail to recognize.  The books you haven’t written, but always wanted.  The recognition you deserve from your family but never gotten.  The connection you are supposed to have with friends.  All the things that you felt were meant to be.  Are really meant to be. (Click to tweet!) And yes, of course, we can’t bring back the people we lost.  And we can’t age backwards.  But the other things. You know the ones I am talking about.  Don’t ignore the voice that tells you you should have them.  Don’t be mad at it.  It’s working hard so you don’t forget all that you deserve.  Don’t question it because it is hard to imagine yourself with so much goodness.  It is all yours for the taking.  Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, listen to it.  And marvel at all your beautiful deservings.   With my destiny calling, Christina P.S. JOIN ME FOR THE TEMPLE JOURNEY: A LIFE AFTER DEATH. REGISTER HERE: https://www.1440.org/programs/faculty-led-programs/personal-growth/self-discovery/temple-journey

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You Can Escape Every Prison

August 9, 2019

I wish we could all run away.  Free. From everything.  When I think of that, I imagine valleys with green grass.  Sun shining.  And us, running.  With our arms extended out our sides.  Like we did when we were kids.  When we tasted the freedom we can’t remember.  But our souls have never forgotten.  This is how we know when we find ourselves inside a prison.  Our young DNA had tasted open spaces.  Lived under the sun, hugged by air.  It turned us into birds. Free to use our wings.  Able to escape every prison.  But the wings you have been carrying on you, without ever using. Weigh heavy.  Pulling your shoulders down. Your head forward.  Not an easy way to go through life.   But you are afraid to spread your wings, and be hugged by air again.  Not a real containment.  Air can drop you. If you don’t remember how to fly.  Unless. Unless you realize you don’t fly from memory.  But from emotion.  An emotion that can never be pushed aside.  Part of the DNA you were born with.  Your wings reside inside of you.  Close your eyes. And fly.  With wings made by my DNA, Christina P.S. Go and run away from your prisons and in the midst of running you will feel the air hugging you on your way to flight. We are not meant to be imprisoned by anyone or anything.  Not by grief, not by fear, not by family or friends.  Not by location. Not by disabilities.  Not by religion, dogma, culture or race.  Remember. (Click to tweet!)

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