No More Dirt Roads

May 17, 2019

When someone who has climbed the biggest mountains dies, I can feel the blood in my veins take a pause. When the heart of a warrior stops beating it is felt in us all. This week Doris Day died. I hope she enjoyed her wins and her accomplishments. Because one day this life is over no matter who we are. I used to call the path to the dream a dirt road. And I truly believed it was the only way there. I wish I knew then what I know now. It doesn’t have to be a dirt road. You don’t have to crawl all the way to the mountain top. If it feels like a crawl, it is not your mountain. If it feels like a nightmare, it is not your dream. (Click to tweet!) There are two types of hard work. The enjoyable type where you love what you do and you work hard for it. And the type of hard work that you hate. I know this is a strong word, but I want to help you recognize the difference. Hard work can be very enjoyable. But hard work that is not enjoyed becomes fear, anxiety and loss of your identity and self. It is like you are selling yourself. You are giving your life away to something you hate doing because you think it will lead you to your dream. And it might. But your life could end before it does. I learned this lesson the hard way. I wish someone had explained the difference between working hard for something I love doing and working hard towards something I might love in the future. And we die there, in the midst of waiting for a better climb, a dirt road without mud and a door that may not stay shut forever. I am not interested in dirt roads anymore even though I am such an expert on them. And I am running down the mountains I thought were mine. Don’t listen to anyone promising you that one day it will get easier, if you are doing something you simply hate you must stop doing it. And work harder than ever to do something you love. You will win you know? You will succeed in it. How do I know? Imagine throwing yourself to a mountain that you love. That mountain will move to make you a part of it. You know what this is called? It is called fate. When the mountain hugs you on your way up instead of pushing you of it you know it is meant to be. Let’s say goodbye to all of the borrowed mountains and dirt roads we were told were the only way to the life of our dreams. As for Doris Day, I read that she found her very own mountain from the start. But I believe the late mountain finders like us have even more appreciation for the hug back. And it is that much sweeter. That much grander. With my new beautiful mountains, Christina P.S. 4 DAYS LEFT until SECOND FIRSTS is here. Oh my world: AMAZON LINK: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Step-Step-Guide/dp/1401957064/

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The Small Bathroom Window

May 10, 2019

I changed these last few weeks. And it hurt. It felt as if my skin stretched beyond what it could. Change is like another person is trying to come through you and it is not as natural as birth. It feels wrong. Your whole body is screaming, no more change. No more walking on the edge. No more new things. Go back to the smallness of your room. Oh, how I love my bed. How I love not growing. How I love the familiar. The routine. The only thing I like to change... is my hair. Everything else breaks me for a while. (Click to tweet!) And I try to get used to my broken pieces being everywhere while the new person is coming through. Not an easy time. And all this emerging and growth takes forever. Being in pieces for that long is not easy and you wake up every day wanting to give up the change and go back to the familiar self. But I read something really spot on. When you are tired don’t give up, just rest. So I went to bed last night, earlier than normal. Without guilt. I slept. I rested. And when I woke up this morning my growth wasn’t hurting as much as before. I didn’t feel broken up, just simply shaken but at peace. Hurting but with bandaids. Change hurts. It hurts a lot. That is why most people choose not to. Don’t be one of them. Let yourself break. Know that all this is, is your new identity trying to come through. I wish she could just come to the front door and ring the bell. But it is not how change shows up. Is it now? Instead, she will try to come through that small window in the bathroom. With an upcoming new life and many small bathroom windows, Christina P.S. Just 11 days away before the new edition of SECOND FIRSTS is here. Grab your copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Step-Step-Guide/dp/1401957064/

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1000 Steps and Counting

May 3, 2019

No wonder nobody wants to change their life, especially the big things. They require a thousand steps minimum. I am in the midst of selling my house, and it feels like the list of things to do is never ending. Which may actually be a good thing if you think about it. You see when change happens suddenly, it is rarely a good thing. Unless of course you win the lottery. Even having a child takes 9 months. I am realizing that the thousand steps are just stepping stones that get us from the old life to the new one, preparing us for change. If it was immediate I think we would feel like we were breaking. In this way we are being slowly moved out of what was. Even though I am slowly being ushered in the new life I took out my back. So I can no longer bend down to put my shoes on, and every step is painful. I thought about this, of course. This is my body letting go of my house. This house has been such a big part of my physical reality. I wrote Where Did You Go? here. And it has been my refuge in more ways than I can say. It became an extension of me. If my soul had a physical existence it would look like this house. I know why my back gave out. The house is leaving my body. We accepted an offer on Monday. We move in a month. And my physical existence is saying goodbye to the place it belonged to. I am not a good chapter ender. Griever. Goodbye sayer. Letting go is not one of my strengths because the few things I love, I love deeply. I carry them with me forever. But it is time to take the last few steps. And my back needs to find its way back to functioning so I can greet my new chapter. Never think for a minute that changing your life is just a bunch of decisions. It is more than that. You are an extension of your reality. When you try to change it, it is like removing parts of you and leaving them behind. It is a hard thing. But we must do it. We belong in more than one place, one person and one life. Our souls can put roots down more than once or twice. We are made to belong in many worlds. (Click to tweet!) If you are going through a big life reentry like I am, know that what you are experiencing in your body and in your heart is normal. May you complete your 1,000 steps and find yourself inside a beautiful new life feeling as if it always belonged to you. With 1000 steps and counting, Christina P.S. The new Second Firsts book is nearly here. Words cannot describe how it feels. GET YOUR COPY HERE: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Step-Step-Guide/dp/1401957064/ PPS. See you at Omega end of September for the most incredible reentry class.

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The Stand In

April 26, 2019

It feels as if all of a sudden, nothing is significant. Aside from the people in my life. When I first started to feel this feeling a few weeks ago, it worried me. This new feeling was destroying my world. It was as if I was no longer me. I stopped caring. Whether I would make a living. Have a car I like. Make others proud. Impress. Please. Be liked. Approved. Chosen. It all vanished. Gone. From one day, to the next. It was like someone went inside my heart and took out all the wanting. All the wishing. My mind was filled with this knowing of myself without the wishes. Without the ambition. Without wanting anything. It was like my consciousness separated from my identity and I was able to see life without it. I realized that the struggle to make my wishes come true created such an over busy life that I might as well have been dead. I was alive inside an unlived life. Just simply working for my future dreams. And then it hit me. I found its starting spot. This working around the clock experience. It was when I got my first full time job after he died. I remember hating the job but loving how my mind was occupied all day and I didn’t cry as much as I would normally do. It happened even from the first day. I said to myself then, wow grief didn’t knock me out today. And so it began, work helped ease the pain. My brain got used to it. I started to make work a default setting. Meaning, it was automatic to choose work vs choosing life. And even when I was no longer feeling desperately sad my brain was just used to working hard, so it went with it. Now I know what happened to me. I never made it after loss. A shadow self was here. A stand in. I really believed that some parts of me survived. But now I know that was never true. Because I can’t spot Christina anywhere in the last 12 years. I saw glimpses of her here and there, attempting reentries. Making it in for a while. But never all the way. Nobody told me that life after any kind of loss is a complex and profoundly existential experience. (Click to tweet!) And here I am now. My first full life reentry. A newborn. Learning to walk again. So...here’s to finding your way to a complete life reentry after loss. It may take time. A year. Ten years. Maybe more. Just don’t let the stand in live out the rest of your life. You promise me? With excitement for what’s to come, Christina PS. Come reenter with me at Omega: Register here: https://www.eomega.org/workshops/life-reentry-after-loss PPS. The new release of Second Firsts is approaching fast. Pre-order here: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Step-Step-Guide/dp/1401957064/ PPPS. Where Did You Go? has been reuniting people with their loved ones all over the world. My soul is so grateful. So beyond grateful.

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