Today I decided to share a little more about my life. There are so many new readers who joined the Friday Letter Subscription that I think it's important to tell you about my journey here. My name is Christina Rasmussen and 49 years ago I was born in Greece in a small town called Volos. When I was growing up, there was definitely an inner guide that lived within myself but it was a very quiet one. I was me but there was the essence of another me, witnessing my life. I also believe this is true for everyone, you just have to look for that other you. In my early years I didn’t like to eat much. I had a lot of anxiety and it often took away my appetite. I did not know this about myself, or that I struggled from anxiety growing up until my 40s. I also felt very nauseous every morning before I had to go to school. I deeply disliked school. The only good memory I have from those early education years was in Kindergarden. Everything after that first year was like a loss experienced every single day having to wake up and go to school. My grades in school were never good. I never studied. I never wanted to do homework. When it came to math, I nearly failed year after year. One time, the school nearly kept me back a year. My math teacher told me how I nearly didn't make it. I have dreams about failing math to this day. Never underestimate your early schooling experience. When I finally graduated from high school, my parents sent me to England to study. I went to live with my two great aunts for the first three years. I honestly never thought in a million years I would be able to go to college. After all, I nearly failed at everything. But I did go. I spent 5 years in a very old and historic town called Durham where England’s third oldest University is, and where some of Harry Potter was filmed also. I had a boyfriend during those years, we dated for 5 years. Until I found out that he cheated on me multiple times and I had no idea. I experienced my first traditional loss then. One of the invisible losses that stemmed from that experience was that I had no idea that he was cheating. He seemed so dedicated to our relationship. He spent every summer visiting my parents home in Greece, he even learned Greek. How did I miss this? How was I fooled like that? I did my Masters in Counseling two years after. I also went to Denmark for a study abroad program and where I met my first husband Bjarne. Sometimes life is very strange. I was planning on going to Spain for my study abroad but one afternoon, I ran into one of my professors in the coffee room and she said to me, don’t go to Spain, go to Denmark you will love it there. So I went. Denmark was wonderful, and one night at a 70s party with some new Danish friends I met Bjarne. He moved to England to be with me. We then decided to go on an adventure and move to the US. He asked his company to transfer us to their Houston office. And this is how I found my way to the country that I would call home for over 20 years now. Just before we moved here, we gave birth to our first daughter early as her lungs did not mature and her heart was not functioning properly. She passed the day she was born, on December 18th 1998. On her 20 year anniversary my book Where Did You Go? was released. Talk about timing. We moved to Houston on February 14th, 1999. That is when I volunteered at the Houston Hospice. I spent a few months there, sitting with the dying, running support groups, visiting people in their homes after they lost someone they loved. Until my daughter Elina was born in Houston. We were off again. This time in California. Our daughter Isabel was born there. And we then moved to Boston, where he was immediately diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. He was 31 at the time. I was 30 and our daughters, 9 months and 2 years. We did everything to keep him alive. We even went to the Philippines for an experimental drug. He nearly died there. I lied to his doctors, I told them I was going to bring him to the hospital to be admitted but I knew he was never going to make it out. I did not want him to die there. So I lied and got him on a plane back home. I remember at the time thinking, this cannot be my real life. It must be some kind of movie. We made it home, he lived for another few months. This July 21st, it will be 15 years since the day he passed. At first, it was as if the nightmare was never going to end. Being a single mom, and working full time at a corporate job while at the same time grieving the loss of my husband was not for the faint of heart. You enter the most unloving, uncaring and cold world. Where nobody wants to know about the widow who is sitting at the cubicle. It felt like I walked inside a zombie world. That is how the corporate world felt to me at the time. I spent 3 years there. It did get better. Or, I did adapt. After all, we are made to adapt to anything. In 2010 I remarried. I met my second husband at a support group for the kids. Eric had lost his 35 year old wife and he was raising two young daughters also. During our first dates, I would sit across from him and not let him anywhere near me. I called those early months with Eric, my frozen months. We finally started our lives together, blending two families, and four children. I never talk about the blending. As part of that story is not mine to tell. But it was a very hard experience for many reasons. And I will leave it at that for now. Sometimes, life is so surprising that it feels like someone is playing a prank on you. I know you know this feeling. After three years at the job I decided to resign and do something on my own. That is when I started this letter, you are reading. It was just a paragraph at first. Thinking who would want to read anything from me. But it grew and grew and now tens of thousands of people read it every week. I did a lot of other things too, but today’s letter is not about the books I wrote, or the classes I taught, or the mission of the work. That is not the story. It feels like it is, but the story is written by memories. I am now living in Austin, both of my kids are in college, writing my next book and I just recently signed up for my MFA in Painting. Making my oldest dream come true. Someone asked me the other day, why has it taken you so long to say yes to this dream? I think the answer is in the story. It is inside the invisible parts of the story. It always is. Otherwise we would all be doing only the things that feed our soul. If this is your first letter, I apologize for the length. It normally is very short. So don’t unsubscribe yet. This is a rare version of it. A personal letter that hopefully can also help you to look at your whole story. And connect some of the dots. I write to you every week so we can understand our lives, our days and our weeks. Maybe in ways that are not often discussed with our families and friends. I started writing this letter in 2010 talking about traditional loss, but it transitioned to the invisible losses, the kind that hide under everyday life. Under the bigger losses. Under our most important relationships. Under our breath. When that boyfriend cheated, it never was about losing him but about not trusting myself to know other people. Look for what is lurking underneath your big losses. The knowing and the healing of ourselves lives there. With trust, Christina
Read MoreHappiness is personal. A journey, as unique as the way you look. As rare as a doppelganger, as surprising as a few people in the world that look like you. It is the same with happiness. We have very quirky ways of experiencing happiness. For instance, when I say I love the color of the sea water, there is a particular shade of blue that makes me happy. It takes place when the light hits the water early in the morning, about an hour after sunrise. I feel joy in that moment that I can’t feel any other time of the day while next to the water. I also find happiness when I am holding a book, just holding it. Even more than reading it. And if I pair it with a cup of coffee between 6:00 to 6:30am then it's true bliss. The silence of that early hour does something to my soul and it cannot be experienced in the same way later on, even if I hold that same book and drink coffee from that same mug. You see, the more loss you have experienced the more tailored your happiness will need to be. But we can have the same losses, the same stories, the same heartbreaks. We may visit the same places. Walk the same roads. Look at the same views. But our feelings of happiness will not be found at the same exact moment, as everyone else’s. Don’t look for it there. Go after your own version of what feels good. Even if it is a half painted wall in your kitchen. Or a chair with 5 legs. Maybe even a dish made of plain spaghetti. Whatever it is, remember anything that mimics the five legged chair or the coffee mug you love won’t cut it. It won’t make you feel the things you need to feel. Now let’s say we take this point of view to finding someone new to love. It is hard to meet someone you can fall head over heels for when we don’t pay attention to the peculiar ways in which we can fall in love. Maybe who you find attractive is someone with an interesting smell, or someone who wears old burgundy coats from thrift shops. Who knows. Just make sure you notice your own peculiarities so you can find your way to the happiness that occupies them. Tell yourself about the chairs with five legs and the books that like to be held and not read. Oh and don’t forget to visit a thrift shop along the way. Just in case. With 6:00am coffee and book holding, Christina
Read MoreDid you know that when you choose a different life, it feels divergent? Unalike the one you are walking out from. Logically, this should not be a surprise. A different life should feel different. But as I stepped into a new chapter in my life this week I started to feel unfamiliar. Even my body acted anew. I saw my reality through different eyes. It was as if someone put me inside another body. I have written many new chapters in my life, so when I was writing this next one for myself I expected it to have some of the same elements. Some fear, excitement, doubt and difficulty level. As everything is always more challenging when it's new. But here is what was completely different. The challenge part. It was hard but it was easy at the same time. Almost like I had water shoes on to walk on a pebble beach. I sat with this for a couple of days and tried to understand, how did these water shoes go on my feet? Why weren’t they there in previous chapters? How come I have never worn them before, or never thought it was an option. So, this is what I think happens. When the choice you are making is deeply right for you, then the Universe/God sends you water shoes. I have never had them sent to me before. Ever. This choice that I made for myself must have been unlike any other choice before it. The closest I ever got to previously was loaner water shoes. But this time the water shoes stayed on. I have been wearing them since last week. And the longer I have them on, the more I feel this is a very different chapter. It feels like more than just a new beginning, more than just a chapter inside my book. I think it may just be a new book. Here’s to you choosing what you know is true for yourself and receiving your own water shoes. I believe there is a pair available for every person on Earth. With my very own water shoes, Christina P.S. Art by me.
Read MoreSometimes the new life is hiding behind a tiny moment. Behind just one thought. If you could look inside your mind you would see two words connecting the old chapter with the new one. These words can be missed completely if we are not paying attention to our inner experience. It is almost like a lottery win. Rare. Unexpected. Invisible to the naked eye and inaudible to our ears. But then how could we hear it or see it? How can we find something that is not seen or heard? Well, let me show you. Imagine you are going about your day, and wondering the same things, thinking the same thoughts. And just like that, a question pops up and it starts with the words... what if. Just... what if? When this happens, complete the sentence and answer the question. When you answer it, add, and then what? And then, what would happen if I did this? Keep going. Don’t stop the trail of the thread. That is how you jump from one chapter to the next. How you change your life. I was on a road trip from Austin to Los Angeles last week and in between Albuquerque and Sedona the what if question popped in while I was thinking about something and I stayed with it. I answered it. All the way until it became a decision which I acted upon. What if you did the same thing. Answered your what ifs? Then, the what would happen if you did this? If you dared yourself, with the answer. We take life so seriously. We agonize over big decisions. We wait. We let time pass by these words, unanswered. When I finished the answering of my what if, I stopped at a rest area where a jewelry shop was magically there, in the middle of the desert. I walked in and bought a beautiful cross to signify the moment of the answering. You can never let your brain forget the seeing, the hearing of the unseen, and the unheard. May you listen in, find your what if, answer the question and make it a memorable experience. Will you dare? With many what ifs, and a few... then whats, Christina P.S. I hope you find your way to this week’s podcast with one of the greatest teachers I have ever met. Listen here.
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