Five things you need to know about your life after loss

December 14, 2018 | IN CHRISTINA'S BLOG/POSTS | BY christinaadmin

I was finishing an interview with the incredible Jamie Butler at the Lighter Side show which by the way you need to check out.

An incredible human being and I highly recommend her work.

Our interview together will be posted next week.

As we finished our chat Jamie asked me where do you get all this passion from and I said to her that when I discover something that everyone needs to know about, I get carried away.

I can’t stop. All I can think about is telling them what I discovered and how it can change their life. All I can think about is that I can’t have people being sad, and unhappy when there is a way out of sadness.

I want to run to you and tell you.

I want to scream it from the rooftops.

I want to look you in the eyes and say it doesn’t need to be so hard, here is why and how and what and where. (Click to Tweet!)

First thing to know

You are born with the ability to change your life no matter how much loss, sadness and difficulty you are experiencing. You are born ready. You are made to overcome it all.

You don’t even have to learn to do it, you know it. This is your journey and you wrote the map to where you are going. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t, that there is no way out. There is. And you are standing right in front of it.

Second thing to know

Your life is created by you and the people you choose to have around you. This is very crucial to know. You are the creator of yourself, your destiny and your experience but also who you bring into the world influences that creation. You create your life by choosing the kind of story you want to tell every day. You create by the way you respond to something difficult. By the way you see the world and by the people you choose to be in your life. The way they see you and the way they think of you impacts your life. This is why you must remember to only let people in who see you with love and respect. This is critical. You must choose wisely when it comes to co-observers and co-creators. I have so much to tell you about this and I will but for now, that is all you need. Allow only good people in. Period.

Third thing to know

Death is not death. When someone doesn’t seem like they are here it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It means they exist in another way. In another place that is non-local, non-geographical, non-physical looking. You have access to that place. Every day. Every moment. You don’t have to wait for them to come contact you. You can be the one connecting with them. They want to connect with you. This has been one of the biggest discoveries I made while writing my new book. They want you to say hi and talk to them. I know this can come across as peculiar and I am fully aware of that. But death is just a word we use to describe the end of someone’s physical life. Not the end of them.

Fourth thing to know

You, the table in front of you, the computer, the phone, the trees, the solid-looking things in your life are not solid. They just appear solid and firm. The truth is that the nothingness of the space between your table and chairs, is the same as the table and chairs. Nothing and not nothing is one and the same. The empty space next to you, is made the way you are made. The reason why this is important to know is that if you knew that then when you see empty space you will know it is not empty at all, it has so many things in it, including your person.They are still here but you can’t see them with your eyes open. Your eyes can’t see all the light that exists. Your ears can’t hear all the sounds that exist. The people we think we lost are right here inside all the space around us.

Fifth thing to know

And last but not least there is a deeper reality, a deeper existence that you can’t see from here and it is where miracles come from. Where healing takes place. Where everything gets created and that deeper, more hidden reality is more real than this one. You can bring everything you want from there to here, it is your creation. When we start to know this, then we can be more in control of our life and what happens to it. Not knowing this, is like trying to drive the car at night without the lights on. Please don’t forget it. You are the driver of this experience and you now know what you need to do to turn the lights back on.

My book is coming out this Tuesday; if you order now it will arrive on time. I can’t wait for you to be holding this book in your hands. And together we can light the way for ourselves and everyone else.

ORDER WHERE DID YOU GO

With lights, loves and miracles,

Christina

I know you feel alone.

I know you ask the question will I ever love again?

Our lives after loss can almost feel foreign.

We got stripped away from all that made us who we are.

And we go home every night alone.

The lights are off.

The house unchanged.

You can’t escape what happened here.

You travel back to the loss and forward to what can no longer be.

A lonely time traveler.

But it is not meant to be this way.

Because from the moment we are born we seek love.

We seek to be loved.

To be embraced.

We crave love in everything we do.

We are capable of passionate love.

Love that is timeless.

Love that is beyond mortality.

Beyond the stars.

The moon

and the universe.

But when we lose love, oh my dear beloveds, that divine passionate experience that sent us to the stars and the moon, now throws us down to the earth and buries us under the ground.

And we scream at night.

And we hide our pain during the day.

We loved so much.

We lost even more.

And we rise…we rise again.

Changed.

Altered.

We rise forgetting the power of love.

We rise alone.

And we suspend in mid-air with anger as our fuel.

With hurt as our engine.

With love as a distant memory.

And sometimes we die without finding somebody to love again.

Because we have been told there is only one love, one soulmate.

But if our heart could speak to us, it would tell us…I am here to love many times. Even for a few seconds. Just to see the moon and the stars again. (Click Here to Tweet!)

I know it is not easy to do, but we are meant to experience love in plural.

With many loves,

Christina

PS. Just 18 days to go until our new book is out. If you haven’t pre-ordered and joined the class please do: www.wheredidyougobook.com

I find daily life that is made of anything but meaning, pointless.

Books that deal with drama, uninteresting.

Gatherings that have superficial conversations, waste of time.

And at this juncture I always add, especially for those of us who have endured loss.

The time we spend in the nothingness of routine can actually put us in depression.

Maybe one of the reasons the holiday season is hard for us is because of the meaningless hours we spend sitting together with people who choose to interact superficially.

Avoiding eye contact. Feelings.

But stay in discussions on politics, celebrity gossip, things that have no life in them.

And there you are, across the room, with heart full of meaning and emotion listening to them, wanting to scream and run out the door.

It may feel as if everyone is asleep while you have no choice but to be awake.

It can feel as if language is made of constant noise.

And this is why I will not say have a happy Thanksgiving.

I will though say have a meaningful one.

Seek a real conversation with someone today. Whether it’s on text. In person. At dinner. With your pet. With a character on television. An imaginary one. With yourself. (Click Here to Tweet!)

Write about what matters to you in a journal if you are alone.

Watch a movie that moves you.

Shut down anything that is out of alignment.

Just give thanks to the moments that are made of truth.

Even if it is truth that hurts.

Meaningless noise doesn’t remove pain, it adds to it.

An invitation to a Thanksgiving dinner made of small talk can break you.

Instead just say thanks to anyone who looks you in the eyes today.

Even if it is a stranger at the coffee shop.

Another person sitting in the car next to yours.

You see, you are not alone in your quest for meaning today, millions of people feel more alone today than any other day.

Let’s change that, together.

With hope,

Christina

PS. 27 days until Where Did You Go is in all of our lives.

AMAZON LINK: https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-You-Go-Life-Changing/dp/0062689622/

Forgive me for lately, I have been seeking the unseekable.

The unseen.

The very hard to find.

Seeking the answers to the bigger questions.

Sometimes I get mad with the world.

How dare we not ask these questions.

How dare we close our eyes and go to sleep without wanting to know.

Why are we made this way?

Who made us?

Where were we before we were here?

And where the heck are we going after?

Why do we think the same darn thoughts every morning?

Where do we go when we are asleep?

What is the energy that surrounds us?

Why is earth hanging in the middle of darkness, infinite darkness?

Why is it that people can remember past lives?

Why do people who come back after they have died talk about joy, bliss, and knowing.

Where is that place?

What happens after we are gone from here?

Why do we spend our lives gossiping about silly things in the news instead of seeking to find ourselves?

Did you know there is evidence to suggest that our world is a projection from a different reality.

And as I am writing this, I am thinking about you, my beloved reader.

Will you dismiss this?

Will you not bother reading the rest of the letter?

But this is the chance I have to take.

What if death is not real in the other dimensions that exist beyond this one?

And don’t ever think that this is the only dimension. It isn’t.

Everything you are, think, believe, understand is connected to a reality you can’t see.

When unexplained things happen, it is not that we can’t explain them.  We just can’t explain them within the parameters of this reality. (Click Here to Tweet!)

But they can be explained if we look at our experience from the holographic model.

It implies that what we see around us is an illusion, a projection coming to us from a different place.

Where is that place?

You see, when we find our way to that place, there will be more understanding.

It is possible that objective reality is a creation of the human brain.

The brain analyzes the frequency and energy we are surrounded by, giving us a simple projection from that analysis.

Why am I talking about this?

Isn’t one reality enough for us to get through.

Aren’t we broken enough, hurt enough from just this?

Why even go there, and ask these questions.

But what if what lies beyond this, makes everything less heartbreaking?

What if the reality we cannot see has in it everyone we lost?

That we are never without them.

With footsteps on the edge of life,

Christina

PS. Pre-order Where Did You Go: https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-You-Go-Life-Changing/dp/0062689622

I have been writing to you for 4 years and I have never written about what to do with the anniversaries of

loss.

A wonderful woman reached out to me yesterday and asked me if I would write about this.

So here it goes.

Anniversaries of loss feel like a big train approaching the platform.

Heavy, noisy. Old. Loud.

And you can hear it coming for a while.

You know it’s arriving at a specific time, on schedule.

And you are supposed to get on it.

Ride that train for the day.

Ride its heaviness.

This train is slow.

It takes forever to get to the destination of tomorrow.

But you feel there is no other way to get to the next day but ride the train of the anniversary of your loss.

It is not a birthday.

It is simply a death day.

I am so very sorry to call it with its own name.

I remember riding that train during the first few anniversaries.

Honestly I was nauseous.

Everything came back.

The ICU.

The last tragic days.

The oxygen masks.

My little girls saying goodbye to their dad.

I mean.. talk about torture.

Bring out the knives.

That anniversary train was not fun.

It was all about the death day.

And not about the man I was in love with away from the hospital beds, the morphine and the pain.

It had nothing to do with honoring him.

Nothing at all.

I was honoring death every time I took the anniversary train.

So 2 anniversaries later the train was approaching…my date is July 21st.

And I am standing at the platform.

I can hear it arriving. Heavy, loud. Slow.

And all the death memories were flashing before my eyes even before my boarding.

I had to ask myself is this what I have to go through every single year and is this remembering him?

The answer was a big loud NO.Louder than the train.

I left the platform and ran.

Ran away from the anniversary train.

Where did I go instead?

I went to the beach.

I went to the places we visited.

I talked about him to people who never knew him.

I smiled when I said his name.

Yes it is sad.

Yes there are tears.

Yes it sucks.

I am sorry there is no way around this.

Your heart will fill heavy.

But don’t get on the death day train.

Run away and find the sky, the moon, the sea.

The memories. The journey. The celebration.

On his birthday we would go and sing to his grave.

We would bring breakfast and sit there and sing, and the girls would dance.

They would say. Are you 1, are you 2, are you 3 are you 4…. All the way to his new age.

In a few days he would have been 43, and then in a few days after that he would be gone for 8 years.

The train does not visit me anymore.

There is nobody waiting on the platform.

From where I am standing those anniversaries are excuses to celebrate the life of the man who is the father

of my kids.

The man who taught me how to be a warrior through his 4 year battle with the beastpeople call cancer.

The man who showed me how much he loved life and how much he did not want to say goodbye to his

kids.

Yes its sad, and unfair and not what happens to most 35 year olds but that stream of thought takes me

back to the train.

And that is not where he would want me to be.

He said to me once. “Christina look at the big picture. The first couple of years will be tough but after that

you have to make sure you get to live.”

If he knew about the anniversary train, he would smile and shake his head and say it is not where I live.

It is not where my legacy is.

My legacy is inside of you.

And in the lives of my girls.

Go. Go. Go. Remember me, but don’t get on that train.

I am going to ask you the same.

Don’t get on that train, it doesn’t really go anywhere and:

Healing only lives in celebrating the lives of the ones we have lost, not how they died. (Click to Tweet!)

With love,

Christina

P.S If you are a therapist, social worker, coach, nurse, pastor, divorce attorney, biz leader who cares,

doctor, oncologist, hospice volunteer, medical field leader and in a profession that serves the people who

are suffering from loss, a medical diagnosis, tragedy of any kind, join me for a live video webinar about the

Life Reentry Practitioner training on November 6th here: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-

practitioner-webinar/

What if you can talk to your child.

Your husband.

Your wife.

Your father.

Your mother.

Your friend, even after their passing.

What if that’s what we are supposed to do.

What if they want us to do that.

What if they can hear us.

What if they can talk to us?

But not unless we are willing to believe that it is possible.

You see they want us to talk to them.

Visit with them.

Our world is hesitant to deeply believe it.

But I am asking you to.

My new book will be asking you to.

I am also going to ask that you also send them signs instead of just them sending signs to you.

I know right? People always ask have you had any signs?

What about. Have you sent signs to them?

When was the last time you spoke to them?

We got a new puppy last week, and my daughter and I went to pick out a new collar for her at the pet store.

As we were at the collar isle, a store employee came over to ask us if we needed help.

And do you know what his name tag said?

My husband’s name.

Which is very rare as he was Danish.

Bjarne.

We hadn’t come across his name in 12 years and there it was as we were about to go pick up the new puppy.

Look for your person, they are always there trying to get your attention.

And don’t forget to signal back to them.

Love travels outside of the physical barriers of our reality. It is a part of a bigger universe than the one we can see. (Click Here to Tweet!)

And if you want to see the people you lost…close your eyes.

With signs and eyes closed,

Christina

P.S. Pre-order Where Did You Go here: www.wheredidyougobook.com

I was taken aback.

Stopped in my tracks.

I was about to climb again just like I normally do every day.

And that’s when I saw it.

The summit.

The top of my mountain.

I froze.

I sat there.

There was no hill to climb.

Just sky.

I didn’t know what to do with the sky.

What was I to do?

When I crawled in 2006, it took me a long time to get up.

When I got up it took me a long time to walk.

When I walked it took forever to run.

And when the climbing came, I climbed for a whole decade.

Climbed every day for so many years.

Until now.

I had reached a summit and climbing wouldn’t do.

I was so scared that I went back to crawling.

Crawling in circles.

I was begging the universe, I was begging God to let me just climb my way to this next chapter of my life also.

But it wasn’t working.

This was no longer Life Reentry which I knew how to do really well.

This was ENTRY.

This place I am about to go to I had never ever been before.

And all of my ways of living, thriving, being is not going to do.

I truly have to learn how to fly now.

You see when we keep going against all odds and we keep creating a big life we will all get to a summit, and we will be asked to fly.

I have always wanted to get to this place, the mountain top.

The place with the views.

I dreamed of it.

I even bought a house with a view of a mountain top.

I have looked at it.

Gazed at it.

And climbed towards it every day.

Now what am I to do?

Fly?

Fly to where?

The sky?

And as I am writing this, I feel the sky saying to me.

We have all been waiting for you.

Fly and the sky will hold you. Fly and we will fly with you. Fly and the world will fly next to you. (Click Here to Tweet!)

Here’s to your mountain top, your wings and your first flight my dear friend.

And remember if you are in the crawling phase always look for the mountain-top when you close your eyes.

With skies ahead,

Christina

PS. You can now pre-order my new book, my sky. My wings.

Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-You-Go-Life-Changing/dp/0062689622/

Masterclass, audio sounds, notes and book: www.wheredidyougobook.com

It comes in like a lullaby.

Quiet at first but so melodical that you recognize it.

It calms you down and it gets you through another day.

It almost feels like it is coming from really far away, from a different place.

Outside of earth.

I am talking about Hope.

The most precious feeling especially for those of us who have been struck by loss.

For every person who feels the burden of grief.

For every kid, adult, mother, father, sister, brother, friend.

For everyone who has lost the sound of the lullaby.

I am here to tell you that it is still with you.

Hope is a part of our hardest days.

Even when nothing is left, and we feel like we have no more guts, courage or even strength to keep going we find Hope still there.

I think God is Hope. 

I think the Universe is Hope. 

I think knowing where we come from and where we are heading is Hope. 

Knowing what we are made of is Hope. 

And you are made of something divine. (Click Here to Tweet!)

Something so intelligent.

Hope is part of that intelligence and outwardly experience.

If you are having a hard day, week, month, year I am going to ask you to remember that we were made to feel hope in our darkest moments.

We hear the lullaby in the dark.

On the ground.

With nobody there to take care of us. With no money. No plan B.

That is when Hope will come and play her melody.

Only then.

And when Hope isn’t there anymore, it means that whatever is taking place we are able to get ourselves through.

I just wanted to write about Hope today, it’s September.

It’s a busy time. It’s the fall.

It’s a lot of things.

I know you may be on your knees.

And I hope this letter finds you when you need it the most.

With so much hope for every dark moment,

Christina

I first met her after my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.

Her first words were… you should have been the one dying.

It would have been easier.

Then she went on to tell me that I would not be able to raise my kids without him,

that he was the smart one.

He was the strong one.

He was the one with a job.

He was the one who could do it all.

It should have been me with the cancer.

After he died she told me how I should start looking for a job immediately and not think about my dreams.

She told me to be afraid. Very afraid.

She told me that I was not a good parent without him.

She told me I would suffer for the rest of my life.

That I would fail at everything.

She convinced me to get the job I hated. She said…it’s better than nothing.

It took me a while to figure out that she was the voice inside my head making my life after loss much worse than it had to be.

As the years went by I named her My Survivor and I have trained myself and thousands of others to gently show her the door.

My response to her took years but I finally found the strength to talk back.

And, I have been proving her wrong for the last decade.

I showed her that I am one smart woman capable of things that seemed impossible to her after he died.

I showed her that I am one heck of a mom raising my daughters.

I built my own company despite her telling me I was not worthy.

And I have been making my dreams come true regardless of her daily presence, still to this day.

Our Survivor voice does not go away… ever. Never.

As the years go by she gets very skilled, very loud, very convincing but we get really good at shutting her down.  

The Survivor self finds her way in, especially after loss, when our identity is in crisis. (Click Here to Tweet!)

I nearly believed that my life after loss would not be worth living. That was a lie.

So look out for the Survivor trying to influence you.

Start writing her words and sentences down.

What is the one thing she keeps telling you about your life after loss?

Remember she wants you to be safe and run away from life.

Don’t listen.

With a thriving voice,

Christina

P.S. Just a few seats left for our online Life Reentry class that starts Tuesday. Join me and many others who are ready to rid of their survivor voice:  https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/

Someone asked me the other day on Facebook about my husband, the man I married after my loss.

She wasn’t the first one to ask.

Many people over the years have asked about him.

I mention him in the Second Firsts book a little bit.

But over the course of the 8 years I have been writing to you, I hardly ever talk about him.

I met him during my second year post loss at the local children’s support group I was taking my girls to.

I saw him walk in with his children and I immediately thought he was just dropping off, and not staying.

But he was.

He had lost his 35 year old wife a few months prior.

He sat next to me and I remember very vividly, how he said that it was really nice to meet me.

I mumbled something back and kind of turned the other way.

I didn’t like that I found him attractive.

It made me feel uncomfortable. Mad even.

I found myself thinking about him after I got home.

And the days that followed.

The group was running every two weeks.

For the next group meeting, I remember putting something on that was nicer than normal.

When I realized that I was actually dressing up for him. Shame and guilt came over me.

Over the course of the following weeks we kept meeting at the weekly group meetings.

And making small talk.

One night when I returned home something took over me and I wrote the whole group an email.

Asking if we should all go out for dinner.

To be honest with you, and it is something I didn’t admit to him for a while, my group email was mostly about meeting him and not the others.

But I didn’t dare let that thought enter my mind at the time.

I pressed send.

30 second later, I received an email responding just to me and not the whole group.

It was from him.

His name is Eric by the way.

He thought the group dinner was a great idea and that he was looking forward to it.

We emailed back and forth a few times that night.

That was Monday night. By mid-week we had decided to meet for dinner, just the two of us.

I remember thinking. Is that a date?

I didn’t know what to make of it.

We met at Chily’s. Yes nothing glamorous.

And there was a snow storm coming that evening.

I emailed him and said maybe we won’t be able to meet after all with the snowstorm coming. His response was the first time it felt like this could be something more.

He said “I will find a way to get to you, don’t you worry.”

It felt wrong. I felt married.

But that Saturday evening I got in my car and drove to Chily’s.

He smiled when he saw me and told me I look like Princess Leia.

How dare he be so forward.

I thought to myself.

Was he flirting with me?

The commentary that was taking place inside my mind was comical.

At the end of the evening, he gave me a kiss on the chick and said that he would love to see me again.

I walked to my car and drove straight home.

Something was happening. Butterflies arrived in my stomach.

I remember going to work the next day and thinking about him.

We went on many dates after that first one.

And as he likes to remind me often, our first dates were icy cold.

I would sit across the room from him and not move closer.

Even though the butterflies were fluttering inside my stomach, it felt quite abnormal to hold his hand or be with him in a physical sense.

Eric was the complete opposite to Bjarne (my hubby who died) he looked different, acted differently and he might as well have been his opposite in every way.

It took awhile for me to trust him. And let him in.

It took me at least a year before I let him even pay for dinner.

And it took a lot longer until I really allowed him to become important to me.

It is a scary thing to fall in love again after loss. (Click Here to Tweet!)

You may be wondering why don’t I talk about my relationship with Eric more.

I believe with all of my heart that I would not have the marriage that I have today if it wasn’t for my own personal life reentry.

Which had nothing to do with being in a new relationship.

It had to do with the woman that I became.

The finding of my own identity. My independence.

Who I became because of my relentless need to find myself again is my proudest accomplishment.

Eric and I have now been married for 8 years.

My advice to anyone who is out there considering a new love in their life, is to find the new you and let that new you fall in love.

Don’t fall in love with the old identity still here.

Loving after loss requires you to find your new self.

With butterflies.

Christina

P.S. 10 DAYS BEFORE NEXT CLASS BEGINS. Sign up here: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/