It has been 12 years.
He passed 2:00 am EST on July 21st 2006.
If I could count all the selves I have been since that night I would probably count at least 60.
The first 4 came in and out really fast.
I will tell you about them later on.
There were 40 or so the first 3 years.
Then 4 every year for the next 2 years, one every 3 months or so.
After the first 5 years I evolved a little slower than the beginning.
Maybe 2 new selves in a year.
And now in the end of my 12th year I can say that I have been with this self since January.
7 months and going strong.
This self is the most equipped to stick around.
She is persistent.
Resilient.
She thinks she is the self that can outsmart all the ones before her and stay the longest.
You see, evolution immediately after loss is quite intense and fast.
We change rapidly.
It is almost like you are reborn.
You know I call it reentry.
But nobody really tells you about this.
Grief is an evolutionary experience. It hurts so much it changes our DNA. (Click here to tweet!)
It changes our thoughts. Our emotions. Our taste buds even. Yup.
Everything we were made of, gets unmade.
Pain of the soul is evolutionary.
I look back at all 60 selves and each one of them was different.
The first one came along in that hospital room, she walked me out and gave me the strength to make the calls.
The second one helped me tell my girls about their dad.
She stayed for about a week.
Got me through the funeral, the kids sleeping with me and moving the beds around.
Then number three came along and got me running outside, and moving my body when I thought I would lose my mind.
Number four, helped me take the girls to the UK for their first adventure without their dad. Number five got me through the holidays.
Number six got me my first job since his passing.
And it goes on, all the way to now. They all did their part.
It has been easier to think of myself as 60 versions of me.
I understand what happened better.
Loss brings rebirths. Plural yes.
It is time to start looking at grief and its aftermath as a reentry of selves.
How many selves have you been since your loss?
Write them down.
Tell your family about them.
They will get to know you and understand you better if you do.
Most people around us keep thinking we are still that person before the loss happened, and here we are 60 versions later. It is time they knew. 🙂
With 60 Christinas and counting,
Christina
P.S. Here is a highlight video of the selves that helped me do this work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Cjh4wfAZI4
