I have been seeing a therapist lately.
We are trying to figure out how the heck did I change so much since the loss of my husband.
Sometimes I wonder, did someone come in and replace me?
I know it sounds crazy and of course nobody replaced me but it feels like someone else is here, certainly not the woman before.
But here is what I really think.
Of course nobody has proved that or said that.
But think about it. If food can make us healthy or sick.
Then pain or love (two sides of the same coin) can impact our DNA.
This change is both good and bad of course.
I mean, let me just tell you, I so miss the old Christina.
She socialized a lot.
She had plenty of friends and she was quite a few pounds lighter too. Grief is heavy.
Her life was also simpler. But, here is the big but, the Christina that came after, can write.
Pain left a big pen behind. And she has been using that pen for everything.
And the words she wrote changed her whole life. And the life of many others.
I know you may be thinking, but Christina, great you wrote books but I didn’t get anything good from pain. I HEAR YOU.
But please just keep reading.
At first it doesn’t look like we got anything good.
It took 4 years before the writing started to happen for me.
And even then, I didn’t think anyone would want to read what I was writing.
If you have gone through a loss that broke your heart, the truth is that you have been changed. Yes you have. And not just a little bit. A lot.
But your brain doesn’t want you to know about the changes your DNA has experienced.
Your brain is trying everything it can to keep you the same as before.
The old you. The one who lived in the old life. The one you lost.
You have to find your way to the new you.
The one that is here to replace you.
And yes, yes we will grieve the old you.
Maybe even forever. I do. Still. I wish I could visit her and talk to her.
Hold her hand. But we can’t do that. We have to find the new one.
But how do we?
You have to try new things.
You have to let your curiosity take you places.
There is another you trying to take over. Let them in.
Just say yes, will you?
My therapist said, maybe what happened to you is what happens to a Volcano when it erupts. LAVA. I looked up the definition of Lava on Wikipedia.
And this is what it said.
Lava is molten rock that has been expelled from the interior of a terrestrial planet.
So, find your Lava dear one.
Find it, let it cool off from the heat of the volcano and then let it replace the ghost self with the new one. There is really no other way.
With molten rock,
If you are constantly seeking to understand reality the way I do, I hope you listen in to this week’s podcast interview with Dr. Don Hoffman. Listen here: dearlifepodcast.com/episodes/ep99