I Would Remember
When all is said and done I would remember the snow outside the doctor’s office. The unknowingness in my children’s lives. The struggle to be inside a new chapter after. I would remember the stars. The lake. Loneliness on the deck. The decade that was born from the grief. My dogs. The girls growing and […]
I Wish Time Never Ran Out
I wish I could play music. Sing like an Opera singer. Write as if I have lived many lives. I wish doors opened for me. I wish I was lucky. And much younger when I got my act together. Smarter. Good at math. And I could live long enough to see earth from space. I […]
The Stagers
I didn’t know what to expect when two big SUVs pulled in my driveway and 4 women jumped out with bedding, towels and pillows, flowers and pictures. They all smiled at me and said we are here to get your house ready to sell. This was part of our realtor Dana’s complimentary services for her […]
Never Move On From Love
Someone said to me the other day. Christina, you must have not moved on. You are still writing about your loss. I have to tell you my first response was to shake my head and dismiss it. As it is such an untruth. But soon after, I realized how unfair it is to dismiss it, […]
Together Forever
Oh life, you are so complex. You give, you take. We ask. You respond. We live. We die. We lose. We cry. We mourn. We re enter. (Click to Tweet!) My daughter is going to college in the fall. She was six when her dad died. Her sister was four. We began a journey together. The […]
You have always been the storm
My heart was beating almost as if it was everywhere. Not just inside my chest. But inside the two hundred and fifty humans that were waiting to hear me speak. It was on the walls of the conference room. Inside the mic on my blouse. On the stage. Like a storm of heartbeats. That is […]
I Stopped Internally Combusting
I stopped it. It was only for a few seconds. A few seconds not being who I had been. The stop, crushed me. The interruption of who I was, brought on panic. I interrupted the force that had kept me going. The engine I installed inside my brain to keep me from losing my mind […]
Endings
It was not like any other day. Something was in the air. A heaviness, with no name. A knowing. A goodbye. An Ending. A full stop. And it was known. Nothing could prevent it. Nothing at all. It was coming. Like all endings do. The Ending arrived quietly. Almost like a whisper. “I am here, and I need to […]
Don’t Stand At The Door
I search and search and search. Behind every word I say. After every new decision. I seek to find myself, the self that lives underneath the rubble. Under the invisible losses. And hiding, still. Sometimes I wonder if I lost her completely. But as soon as I do, I see her. I hear her. I […]
There is Someone Living in my Attic
Whenever I want to give up, I think of the bold words of Ralph Waldo Emerson “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards” And I want to scream. I am not a coward, God. I am not a coward. I will keep going. Keep knocking on doors. Keep doing the work. Keep making […]