The Forbidden Path

March 12, 2021

I have been trying to write you this letter all day long.  I have so much to tell you that my thoughts are competing for their spot. I have had a hard week.  For many reasons.  And I know you had one too.  I feel like I am inside a maze. Lost.  But here is what I am really struggling with.  There is one path inside the maze that I know is the way out, but I have forbidden myself going there. I stand at the beginning of the path and stare at it.  Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just sit there and look at it.  I hadn’t visited for a while. But lately, I have not only been more honest with everyone in my life but also with myself.  So I have reminded myself of the forbidden path.  I know what you are thinking.  But why, why is it forbidden? Because it is.  Some things we just can’t let ourselves have. (Click to tweet!) There are many reasons for that.  I know you know some of those reasons. I do too.  I do believe that one day I will let myself go there.  In a sense this is a kind of love story. Even though this path is not leading me to another person.  It is still a love story.  If there is a forbidden path inside your maze, a path that leads you to something you really want, or to someone you want to be with.  An experience. Whatever that is for you.  I know how it feels to not let yourself go on it.  Because you don’t want to let down the people you care about.  And the more people you don’t want to let down, the more forbidden this path is.  I know I am speaking in riddles.  But I also know I am speaking to you, struggling with the many sacrifices you made in your life. The choices you made along the way that were not for your own good, but for others.  I know you have had many forbidden paths in your life.  And for now. For today.  Just knowing that someone else is standing in front of theirs, with a broken heart makes you feel more understanding of your past choices.  You chose what you chose in your life for the right reasons, even though it was wrong for you.  And my dear friend, the day I walk down my forbidden path, you will be the first to know.  Until then I will find a way to stop all the crying.  But what kind of love story would it be if there were no tears.    With an unforbidden future, Christina  PS. 18 days to go before we begin the 60 day journey together. Register here: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/

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My Imaginary Friend

March 5, 2021

Before Bjarne passed I used to be very social.  Big dinner parties at my house.  Hanging out with many friends.  Phone calls for lengthy conversations.  I always had friends to talk to.  But after the devastation of losing him I experienced what I called a duality.  My inner world changed so dramatically and my outer world could no longer match it.  The difference between what I was experiencing and what the world thought I was experiencing, was vast.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault.  I was being separated from everyone by grief. Slowly I found myself not only devastatingly sad, but deeply lonely.  That is when I started to learn how to solo process my grief.  I got really good at crying alone, surviving alone and also befriending myself.  I created a whole new inner world to live in.  And writing was part of that world.  People always assume I was always a writer. But I wasn’t.  I became one to understand myself. Grief is a multi layered experience and I could not get to a deeper level in my conversations with the people in my life.  So I had to become the other person.  I had to give birth to a second Christina. A twin imaginary friend.  The two of us started to go deeper and deeper.  Analyze what was happening each day.  Brainstorming solutions. Reading the books.  Learning the new landscape of life.  And I don’t regret it. I saved myself.  I know you have also saved yourself.  But I do hope we do find our way back to deep and trusting friendships again.  It is not fun not to be known by others.  It is not fun not to be seen for who you really are. There is healing in that, the kind of healing you cannot give to yourself. With many imaginary friends, Christina  P.S. Finally registration is open for my next Life Reentry class.  We start March 30th. Register HERE: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/

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Growing Up in One Afternoon

February 26, 2021

Sometimes you have to grow up in one afternoon.  Maybe in an hour. 5 minutes, even.  I wonder why we are not given longer. Why does it have to be almost instant.  On the spot. Nailing us to the wall.  What am I talking about?  Conversations, interactions, experiences that were unexpected and gruesome.  Someone saying something to you that hurt like crazy.  Something happening at a family gathering you didn’t expect.  You missed the mark at a talk you had to give. You failed an exam.  You lost money. A friend getting mad at you for no reason.  And the air is taken out of your lungs. You skip heartbeats.  Your thoughts are either stopping to a halt or come crashing down. It feels like an expander in your stomach.  A bulldozer over your lungs.  A needle on your heart.  And yes, you can have growing up moments in every decade of your life.  I had one this week. It was hard.  They always are. Aren’t they? For this particular moment the bulldozer was especially felt.  While it’s happening you can’t make a sound.  And you can’t let anyone know about the needle in the heart.  The expander in the stomach. You carry on looking normal.  Until you can leave the room, the call, the conversation.  And go and figure out what just happened. These are the kind of growing up moments I mean.  I know you know them. Had them. Survived them.  I am here as your witness.  And thank you for being mine.  These growth spurts will continue to happen until the end.  It’s what makes us human.  Those who don’t feel the expanders in their stomachs I don’t trust so much.  And why you and I are such good friends.  We have the same kind of needlework in our hearts.  Don’t we?   With many nails on my walls, Christina

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Mother Nature’s Icy Castles

February 19, 2021

When Mother Nature knocks on your door, you get down on your knees and pray.  You pray for your family, your self, your neighbors, the people around you. You lose all safety, in an instant.  You lose the ground you have been on.  The physical world around you becomes a threat, an enemy and you pray for Mother Nature to stop the storms, the ice, the cold and to cradle you like she did before.  Before when it was warm, and you had food.  And the sun was speaking to you.  I live in Austin, Texas and in the last few days we were thrown into an eerie and cold world where snow looked like glue, and the air stopped breathing around us.  We were met with an unwavering icy stillness.  It was like we were on our own, away from everyone.  Almost as if planet earth held us upside down for a week, while everyone was watching to see if we could hang on. We hung on.  In the midst of undrivable roads, contaminated water, freezing indoor temperatures we saw people helping their neighbors.  Furniture shops opening their doors, drivers with pick up trucks helping those stuck on the icy roads.  As I am writing this letter to you, the temperature just started to rise and by the time you get this, the eerie, glue-like ice will be melting. Mother Nature will be moving on from us, leaving us with almost nothing and bruised knees from all the praying.  Wherever you are today, whether you live in Texas with me, or in a small town in Ireland. Down under in Australia. Know that no matter how scary this week has been, it will end.  Nothing lasts forever.  Not even Mother Nature’s Icy castles. (Click to tweet!) Not even sticky ice.    With warm blankets, Christina  

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