Find Your Lava

April 2, 2021

I have been seeing a therapist lately.  We are trying to figure out how the heck did I change so much since the loss of my husband. Sometimes I wonder, did someone come in and replace me?  I know it sounds crazy and of course nobody replaced me but it feels like someone else is here, certainly not the woman before.  But here is what I really think.  Devastating emotional pain can change our DNA. (Click to tweet!) Of course nobody has proved that or said that.  But think about it. If food can make us healthy or sick.  Then pain or love (two sides of the same coin) can impact our DNA.  This change is both good and bad of course.  I mean, let me just tell you, I so miss the old Christina.  She socialized a lot.  She had plenty of friends and she was quite a few pounds lighter too. Grief is heavy.  Her life was also simpler. But, here is the big but, the Christina that came after, can write.  Pain left a big pen behind. And she has been using that pen for everything.  And the words she wrote changed her whole life. And the life of many others.  I know you may be thinking, but Christina, great you wrote books but I didn’t get anything good from pain. I HEAR YOU.  But please just keep reading.  At first it doesn’t look like we got anything good.  It took 4 years before the writing started to happen for me.  And even then, I didn’t think anyone would want to read what I was writing.  If you have gone through a loss that broke your heart, the truth is that you have been changed. Yes you have. And not just a little bit. A lot.  But your brain doesn’t want you to know about the changes your DNA has experienced.  Your brain is trying everything it can to keep you the same as before.  The old you. The one who lived in the old life. The one you lost.  You have to find your way to the new you.  The one that is here to replace you.  And yes, yes we will grieve the old you.  Maybe even forever. I do. Still. I wish I could visit her and talk to her.  Hold her hand. But we can’t do that. We have to find the new one.  But how do we? You have to try new things.  You have to let your curiosity take you places.  There is another you trying to take over. Let them in.  Just say yes, will you? My therapist said, maybe what happened to you is what happens to a Volcano when it erupts. LAVA. I looked up the definition of Lava on Wikipedia.  And this is what it said.  Lava is molten rock that has been expelled from the interior of a terrestrial planet.  So, find your Lava dear one.  Find it, let it cool off from the heat of the volcano and then let it replace the ghost self with the new one. There is really no other way.    With molten rock,  Christina P.S. If you are constantly seeking to understand reality the way I do, I hope you listen in to this week’s podcast interview with Dr. Don Hoffman. Listen here: dearlifepodcast.com/episodes/ep99  

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Why Don’t You Put Some Makeup On?

March 26, 2021

I posted a video about the Life Reentry class on facebook the other day and a woman commented under it, why don’t you put some makeup on Christina? At first, I responded casually.  I did have some makeup on, but it's been a long day of zoom calls and work.  And then I started thinking about it.  Hmmm. Did I not look good?  Am I getting old? Maybe I should put on heavier makeup next time so it stays on longer.  I should be more professional. What was I thinking?  The inner narration paused for a while. Then I looked in the mirror and saw all of my new wrinkles.  Neck lines and all. The inner narration picked up right where it left off. Well, you are approaching 50 what did you think was going to happen?  You weren’t going to look good forever.  The days of your good looks are gone.  And just like that.  A random stranger had all this power. I know you too have probably experienced similar comments about the choices you make with your physical body.  Aging is such a big loss for women.  The world is harsh towards wrinkles, naked faces, imperfect skins.  Why don’t men have to wear makeup?  What about some eye shadow?  High heels anyone? (Click to tweet!) To the woman who was curious about my no makeup face I know you only asked because someone else asked you the same question. Probably early on in your life, and you may not even remember it. I get it.  I have lived in that same world you have.  And now together we will walk out of it.  Not because there is anything wrong with wearing makeup, but not wearing it should not take away from our value. The intelligence that lives behind the eyeshadow.  The humor that lurks under the lipstick.  The modern woman has many faces.  And all of them belong to her.  If you are a man reading this letter I know you already loved a woman just the way she chose to be.  If you are a woman reading this letter don’t let anyone dictate your looks.  And if you are non binary thank you for paving the way towards a non judgmental world.  Where self expression is exactly what it sounds like.    With eye shadows,  Christina  P.S. We are about to close the doors to the Life Reentry Registration class. May you find your way there if it feels right for where you are in your life. REENTER HERE: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/

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Endings

March 19, 2021

It was not like any other day.  Something was in the air.  A heaviness, with no name.  A knowing. A goodbye.  An Ending. A full stop.  And it was known.  Nothing could prevent it. Nothing at all.  It was coming. Like all endings do.  The Ending arrived quietly. Almost like a whisper.  “I am here, and I need to end this.” It murmured.  “But why do you have to be here Ending?” I asked.  “Can’t we have a new beginning without you?”  “This kind of beginning requires me to end some things.” Ending said  “But the things you want to end are things I still need.” I said.  “Yes they are.” Ending said “So, then don’t visit with me.” I replied. “It’s too late, I am already here. You must let go.” “Let go.” Ending whispered again.  “Now.”  As I started to let go, the air moved.  My sadness breathed easier.  “Do you see her coming in?” Ending said and pointed towards the ocean.  I looked but there was nothing.  “Keep looking.” Ending said.  “At first, it will look like nothing is coming. Keep looking.  Beginnings are formless at first. (Click to tweet!) Especially as I am still on my way out.  The further I go, the more you will start to see your beginning clearly.” Ending said and I could barely hear it anymore.  My heart was squashed.  My knees were trembling.  I was on my own now.  Looking for my new beginning.  And as I was standing there, just like that, my beginning appeared in front of me.  She was bigger than I had expected.  At first I could not see all of her.  But the parts I could see surprised me.  This beginning was different to any other beginnings.  She was vaster than the ocean itself.  I sat down, put my hands on my face and cried.  Oh ending, I get it now.  The letting go.  You ending things I thought I still needed.  Of course.  You were right all along.    With an ending and a beginning, Christina  PS: Register for the next Life Reentry class. 10 days to go: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/

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The Forbidden Path

March 12, 2021

I have been trying to write you this letter all day long.  I have so much to tell you that my thoughts are competing for their spot. I have had a hard week.  For many reasons.  And I know you had one too.  I feel like I am inside a maze. Lost.  But here is what I am really struggling with.  There is one path inside the maze that I know is the way out, but I have forbidden myself going there. I stand at the beginning of the path and stare at it.  Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just sit there and look at it.  I hadn’t visited for a while. But lately, I have not only been more honest with everyone in my life but also with myself.  So I have reminded myself of the forbidden path.  I know what you are thinking.  But why, why is it forbidden? Because it is.  Some things we just can’t let ourselves have. (Click to tweet!) There are many reasons for that.  I know you know some of those reasons. I do too.  I do believe that one day I will let myself go there.  In a sense this is a kind of love story. Even though this path is not leading me to another person.  It is still a love story.  If there is a forbidden path inside your maze, a path that leads you to something you really want, or to someone you want to be with.  An experience. Whatever that is for you.  I know how it feels to not let yourself go on it.  Because you don’t want to let down the people you care about.  And the more people you don’t want to let down, the more forbidden this path is.  I know I am speaking in riddles.  But I also know I am speaking to you, struggling with the many sacrifices you made in your life. The choices you made along the way that were not for your own good, but for others.  I know you have had many forbidden paths in your life.  And for now. For today.  Just knowing that someone else is standing in front of theirs, with a broken heart makes you feel more understanding of your past choices.  You chose what you chose in your life for the right reasons, even though it was wrong for you.  And my dear friend, the day I walk down my forbidden path, you will be the first to know.  Until then I will find a way to stop all the crying.  But what kind of love story would it be if there were no tears.    With an unforbidden future, Christina  PS. 18 days to go before we begin the 60 day journey together. Register here: https://lifereentry.com/life-reentry-class/

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